Where in I ramble…

May 11th was my 29th birthday and so I took the rest of the week off from blogging…and now I’m at the beginning of a new week, but I don’t know what that means…

I remember a time long long ago (was it even the same lifetime??) where Mondays were apart of a deep burning ancient hatred…having to get back to school or work after the fun and freedom of the weekend…but now?  Now it’s just a day, just another day.  I’m not forced to go anywhere I don’t wanna go or do anything I don’t wanna to do or pretend I like people that I don’t like just for the sake of getting along…

Besides the obvious, that is, getting to raise and teach my own children, this fact that I have no boss but me and no rules except those that I myself make…THAT is one of the things that I love most about being a stay at home mom 😀

June 12th, nearly exactly one month away, will be my 10th Wedding Anniversary…I can not believe I have been married 10 YEARS!  And for the most part life is sweet…

I am exactly where I want to be in life 🙂  There is nothing that I can complain about…except for maybe the chilly rainy weather this morning, which is kind of a bummer I guess….but I have no serious complaints, none at all.

I always knew that I would get here.

At 16 years of age I was in public school, laying with my head on the desk near the back of the class, pretending to be asleep…but not really, what I was really doing was planning my escape…hehehe.  Escape from the horrifying reality that surrounded me in that building, in that state (MARYLAND…hell on earth.) in that life!  Contemplating in my mind of ALL that I would do differently, different from everyone around me, once I became an adult…

First and foremost, I KNEW that I would live in the country…whether or not I ever married…I knew this to be true, that I would live close to the land, off the fat of the land.  It’s ingrained within me, as much apart of me as my very breath…through the land you remain FREE.

The more you care for the land, the more the land cares for you…it’s our provision and protection.  All the world’s ills stem from an inherent failure within humankind to properly care for the land and each other…it’s a sickness, this innate human need to destroy…even in love, in an attempt to love others we destroy them because we want them to be just like us, or as we imagine them to be in our mind… and we think that’s love…

I never ever thought I would get married at age 19.  I have never been that type of person, not the romantic silly girly kind of girl that they always portray in the movies as being the girl who gets married right out of high school…but that’s just the movies, just a stereotype and stereotypes are NOT REAL.  

I always feel like I must remind people of this, that the life experience they think they have, that most of what they think they know, that most of what they accept as real…is just a fake image full of lies flickering through electronic brilliance to mesmerize the eyes and hypnotize the brain….humans have this amazing flaw in that we believe everything we see, and if we see it we think it was WE who did it.  Why else would four grown men jump up in unison cheering and high-five-ing  each other because they saw a ball be caught after being thrown past a certain line??  It makes no sense.  But they have a vested interest, they want to be that man they see there on the brilliant flickering screen…and to a certain extent they believe they are him…why else would they cheer?

It’s been a little over three years since we got rid of cable…best thing we ever did!  Looking back, I cannot believe how much time was wasted in front of that thing…it makes me angry.  And I know that I didn’t even watch TV nearly as much as a lot of other people!  I look at my nearly 2 year old daughter and my 10 month old son and I swell with happiness when I realize that their little minds have never had to behold the evil that is a television commercial…it’s at those times that I feel proud.  Proud that my children are receiving a better life than I did… now don’t get me wrong, don’t misunderstand, I didn’t grow up with a horrible life according to mainstream standards.  Living a cushy middle class existence is not horrible according to the standards of materialism and comfort…but it IS horrible when looked at from the position of The Soul, when your only real concern in life…the only thing you really care about, is becoming the type of person that God created you to be.

EVERYTHING then becomes a hindrance to that type of growth…

oh no! please, anything but that! 🙄

I have always prayed “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief!”….Lord, you know, help my not knowing so that I might know too….Lord, Your Way is the only RIGHT way but I can’t see which way it is, everything clouds my thinking, it’s all so loud and so bright, put my feet on The Path so that I might have a chance to make my journey home…..Lord, I don’t know which way to go and I know I’ve lost something but I can’t remember what it was but it makes me really sad please just don’t let me fall off The Path okay??  I need to get back to you….

All through my life, over and over, different words…same prayer…this place SUCKS Father, I wanna go home, but I can’t find The Path please don’t let me fall and keep me on The Path….DO whatever it is that you have to do to keep me on That Path!  My heart, my soul’s cry from the moment I came into this world…the plea never far from my lips, as natural and as unconscious as breathing…

And HE has been faithful, He has been SO FAITHFUL…beyond my wildest dreams FAITHFUL…I cannot even begin to express, and still…despite all that he has done for me and all that he has given me, I still just wanna go home… ((and no I am not suicidal, such thoughts are not even possible for me…so, don’t worry about that…that’s not what I am saying))

It’s a beautiful world that he has created, but the world that we created beings have built upon it is like a parasite…a leech…a vampire…there is a RIGHT way (HIS WAY) to live upon the earth and this world that we have built is the EXACT opposite of that…and I can’t wait for it all to crumble, to be nothing but a heap of ruins…from dust to dust, I take solace in these words:

“Go to now, ye that say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. ” ~James 4:13-14

2 thoughts on “Where in I ramble…

  1. deep. I was proud that my kids did not understand some of the questions on the practice standardized test because the scenarios are part of a life/culture foreign to us. we have protected them from it by choice. ps- would love to hear your take on the controversy over Time magazine and their breastfeeding cover! Haven`t seen it myself but hearing such heated debate!

  2. I heard about it too, from my husband…but I didn’t see the cover for myself yet. I don’t know that I really care, most things like that just serve as a vehicle for causing division and dissent over something pathetic and rather stupid…breastfeeding or not, why should there be topless women on the cover of ANY magazine?? Unless it’s something like a Playboy, what does a half naked women have to do with any REAL news?? That’s what I would like to know! I’m sure their intent behind it has less to do with breastfeeding and more to do with trying to sell magazines…but that’s just my basic gut feeling on it, like I said, I haven’t fully looked into the situation…

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